Fuck The Game.
I am serious. For those of you who have not heard about the book The Game by Neil Strauss, it is a book about teaching men how to become a pick up artist, to seduce women and to bed them through a series of techniques and street ‘exercises’. It is, in my opinion, the single most misguided and damaging piece of literature a guy can read.
The book advocates treating women like objects – with quotes like “a low opinion of the opposite sex is a prerequisite for sarging”.
And peacocking, where you wear something outlandish or garish (such as a shiny red spandex shirt) to social outings to stand out from the rest of the males – much like how a peacock will spread it’s colorful feathers to stand out. It also teaches you how to become the Alpha Male Of the Group (AMOG) by trying too hard to become the center of attention, talking loudly and basically acting like a chump. All these in the name of bedding women.
What deluded, misguided advice. The book is so wrong that reading it in my free time during reservist made my eyes water. The people in my life, who I saw apply this advice from this book, all turned from nice, sincere guys into dysfunctional, pathetic and slightly creepy guys. So, if any of you are reading this, stop. Just stop.
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Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way.. let’s explore what does it mean to be a man.
Most people think that the opposite of “man” is “woman”, that the more macho one is, the more “manly” he is. This includes engaging in traditionally “manly” activities such as playing rugby or football, joining the army, binge drinking, smoking, fighting or street racing.
You cannot do a guy greater hurt than to call him “feminine” or “ah gua/ a sissy”. We feel that masculinity is defined by what we do, rather than who we are. This fundamental male biological drive, an obsolete remnant from our prehistoric past, is what books like The Game feeds on. It tries to indoctrine an entire generation of guys that “masculinity” can be acquired as easily as picking up the newspaper in the supermarket – speak with a deeper voice when speaking to the opposite sex, “neg” or put down the Alpha Male in the group, treat women like objects, don’t act like a girl, don’t let women push you around, sleep with lots of women and etc..
Masculinity and being a man is much more than that.
The opposite of “man” is “boy”, not “woman”. And this is what books like The Game turn you into. Boys. To become a man, is not about doing what women don’t do, or to dominate women.
It is to do what boys lack the will or maturity to do. It is about taking responsibility for your own life, to live like a responsible and independent adult, to stop taking money from your parents, to learn how to care for and provide for another human being other than yourself, to know with clarity which direction your life is heading, and to have the courage and conviction to pursue it.
It is to be firm and say no to destructive and dangerous behavior, such as drink driving, street racing, fighting/ rioting, smoking, taking drugs, no matter how cool or “manly” they are.
It is about taking charge of your finances, finally learning what the word “delayed gratification” means, and saving up to buy your first car, to get married or to downpay for your first house.
It is about learning to respect and treat women as equals, considering the fact that your mother and the mother of your children in the future are all women. It is about letting your guard down to love someone whole heartedly, knowing that you risk getting your heart broken, but take the risk knowingly anyway. To commit to building a future with someone, and seeing that person in your life 40 years into the future, rather than still looking for one-night stands with questionable women.
Lastly, it is also about being able to weather adversity, whether it is a failed business venture, losing your job, going bankrupt or getting into an accident – and still not lose the ability to dream. To become a rock and a pillar of strength for the people you love when everything comes crumbling down, and not lose faith yourself. To look your partner in the eye through her tears, wipe them away, and say,
“Things will get better, we will do this together.” in a soft voice, with conviction.
To promise yourself that you can live on bread and plain water, that you can go hungry, but your parents, wife and children cannot. And that you would sacrifice anything, including your own happiness and freedom, to give them a good life.
This is what being a man is about, and this is what distinguishes a “man” from a “boy”.